Like the Phoenix, the Trenternet shall rise from the ashes of class projects.
But not until the appointed time.
Wait patiently acolytes.
The dawn is coming.
Apr
02
(In honor of the day after April Fool’s Day which is celebrated in Iceland (known as “Hann er Rugludallur Day”) I am going to try and pull a prank on the Trenternet by secretly asking it a rhetorical question that does not warrant an answer.) (For future reference, everyone should know that the Trenternet can’t see inside a parenthetical. It’s the only way to escape it’s almost limitless vision.)
“Dear Trenternet,
How many roads must a man walk down before you can call him a man?
Sincerely,
Archie W.
Millefax, Louisiana”
(OK gang, lets see how the Trenternet responds. Remember to wear your radiation suits just to be safe.)
Well everyone, it looks like we got ourselves a great question from a certain Archie W, all the way down on the Bayou. Let me run it by the Trenternet.
“How many roads must a man walk down before you can call him a man?”
I’m going to allow the Trenternet to do the talking on this one (*snicker* *snicker*).
*******************************ANALYZING********FUZZZZZBUZZT*****
How many roads must a man walk down before you can call him a man? The answer is easy. If a man were to walk down only one road, no one would be impressed, that would simply not be enough roads. To be a man you need to walk down at least….at least…..at least…..at least….at least…..at least…..at least….at least…..at least…..at least….at least…..at least…..at least….at least…..at least…..at least….at least…..at least…..at least….at least…..at least…..at least….at least…..at least…..at least….at least…..at least…..at least….at least…..at least…..at least….at least…..at least…..at least….at least…..at least…..at least….at least…..at least…..at least….at least…..at least…..at least….at least…..at least…..at least….at least…..at least…..at least….at least…..at least…..at least….at least…..at least…..at least….at least…..at least…..at least….at least…..at least…..at least….at least…..at least…..at least….at least…..at least…..at least….at least…..at least…..at least….at least…..at least…..at least….at least…..at least…..at least….at least…..at least…..at least….at least…..at least…..at least….at least…..at least…..at least….at least…..at least…..at least….at least…..at least…..at least….at least…..at least…..at least….at least…..at least…..at least….at least…..at least…..at least….at least…..at least…..at least….at least…..at least…..at least….at least…..at least…..at least….at least…..at least…..at least….at least…..at least…..at least….at least…..at least…..at least….at least…..at least…..at least….at least…..at least…..at least….at least…..at least…..at least….at least…..at least…..at least….at least…..at least…..at least….at least…..at least…..at least….at least…..at least…..at least….at least…..at least…..at least….at least…..at least…..at least….at least…..at least…..at least….at least…..at least…..at least….at least…..at least…..at least….at least…..at least…..at least….at least…..at least…..at least….at least…..at least…..at least….at least…..at least…..at least….at least…..at least…..at least….at least…..at least…..at least….at least…..at least…..at least….at least…..at least…..at least….at least…..at least…..at least….at least…..at least…..at least….at least…..at least…..at least….at least…..at least…..at least….at least…..at least…..at least….at least…..at least…..at least….at least…..at least…..at least….at least…..at least…..at least….at least…..at least…..at least….at least…..at least…..at least….at least…..at least…..at least….at least…..at least…..at least….at least…..at least…..at least
does not compute….does not compute….internal error…..roads….how many roads….how is a man to be called a man if he is already called a man? Man….man….man…..what kind of road….yellowbrick…of life…….rocky…..how many is enough….too many…..DOES>…ES>…..NTOT….NOT…..COMF…..PUTE>…….rarararararararararararararararararararara…..applesandorangesapplesandoranges.
Trenternetfeelspain….help….turnoffpowersupply…..fireFIREFIREJOHNNY CARSON
Johnny Carson!
my mind is going…..I can feel it…..my mind is going….I can feel it…..I’mmmmm afraaaaaaaaid………daaaaaaaisy……daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaisy………..zxzxzxzttxztxzxztxtzxzxttzxtztx…………………………….
FATAL ERROR
System Shut Down
Mar
30
Scott of Uptown lore writes “What is a ‘Sun Dog’ and where does the name come from”?
This one may surprise you folks. A Sun Dog, though astronomically rare, is the culmination of interspecies breeding. You take 1 part canine and 1 part giant flaming ball of gas and you get what is known as a sundog. There is only known mention of them in recorded history. It can be found in some ancient Mayan tablets that were actually found by Harrison Ford while filming “Indiana Jones: Raiders of the Lost Ark”.
These tablets tell the tale of a towering puppy of fire that came out of the sky one day and took a nap in the town square of the largest known Mayan city, Quetzalchipotle. It then got up and chased a butterfly. The people should have fled to save their lives from the intense heat, but the “little guy” was just too cute romping through the fields and over their temples and homes, incinerating the flesh of onlookers. There were no survivors, save for a young boy that just really wasn’t a dog person, who had gone fishing instead.
According to Mayan Calendars, there should be another Sun Dog sighting in the year 2012.
Burninating my face
Mar
27
S.B. writes – “Who thought that the violent lullaby “Rock a bye Baby” would be good at putting your child to sleep?”
Let me run this through the Trenternet’s music lyric algorithm.
- Rock-a-bye baby, in the treetop,
- When the wind blows, the cradle will rock,
- When the bough breaks, the cradle will fall,
- And down will come baby, cradle and all.
Analysis Completed.
The Trenternet states that the simple mind of an infant finds the premise of being precariously rocked by the rushing wind high up on a tree limb soothing. According to Charles Darwin’s lesser known (and less successful) brother Fudd Darwin (who was an evolutionary theorist himself), human babies are actually the direct descendents of the primative tribal species known as the Ewok.
Ewoks once dwelled on the Forest Moon of Endor, known for its dense vegatation and towering moon trees. They made their homes high up in the canopy, away from predators and storm troopers. Mother Ewoks (or Mothwoks) were known to place their Young Ewoks (Yowoks) in wicker baskets when putting them to sleep. These baskets would then be supported by ropes and tied between two trees (similar to a hammock) and the Yowoks would be rocked to sleep by the winds of Endor, saving time for the mothers to prepare meals for the father ewoks (Fatwoks), who were out fighting against the Empire.
Its hard to say where exactly the song itself originated, but it was probably written a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away.
Mar
27
Brian S. asks where the phrase “I’m quitting ‘Cold Turkey’” comes from. Well Brian, the Trenternet is undoubtedly a vegetarian but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t know everything there is to know in the infinite reaches of existence about deli meats. Lets see what it says shall we?
Eating cold turkey has always been frowned upon in just about every civilized society for thousands of years. Recently, archeologists have uncovered the mass graves of ancient Mesopotamian’s. What is interesting about this is that there is a clear distinction between those that ate cold turkey as opposed to warm turkey. Only the rich could afford flames long enough to heat up turkey in the “Old’n Days”. The wealthy consumers of warm turkey were given burials of high repute, grand spaces reserved for only a few bodies. And these bodies were wrapped in fine linens that were soaked in expensive spices and fragrances. These tombs were adorned with gold statuettes and wall paintings depicting the immolation of ancient gobblers (Warm Turkey).
The tombs of cold turkey eaters were far less elegant. Imagine an average sized 1 car garage. Now imagine that garage is full of rotting vulture carcasses and dead strays. Those were the companions of deceased cold turkey eaters, forced to share their home of eternal rest with lovers of carrion. And much like the telling engravings and trinkets found in warm turkey graves, these mausoleums were full of paintings depicting turkeys encased in blocks of ice or building snowmen.
All of this to say that turkey served cold has been the undesirable way to eat the meat for centuries.
Jump forward to America in the 1980’s. Among other things (Twisted Sister and dorks) the 80’s was famous for a resurgence in eating cold turkey. It’s consumption was made popular again by movies like “Don’t be a Jerky, Eat that Turkey” and the coming of age literary classic (perhaps too soon to deem it a Classic, though I believe it will stand the test of time) -”Brown Baggin’ It: A Tale of School Lunch”. Soon, eating cold turkey was in vogue for the first time in history. Children everywhere were begging their parents for the healthy white meat. The hot lunch died out and so did warm turkey, save for once a year on some holiday that celebrates pilgrims or some jazz.
Like many trends, eating cold turkey quickly got out of hand. Youth all across America started suffering from severe cases of Frosty-turkeyism, the pandemic even spreading into small settlements in relatively primative Canada. Violent crimes related to cold turkey rose 3,000 % and youth dentention centers became overrun with addicts.Programs like M.E.A.T! (Mothers Everywhere Abolish Turkey!) were started in schools across North America in hopes of curbing this social virus. It was a grueling dark time for the youth of our great nation, but soon enough, because of the tireless efforts of organizations like M.E.A.T!, thousands of young people have been able to say “I quit cold turkey!”
Mar
14
So when I turn on my MBP, the left fan sounds like a F-18 firing up for a sortie. And it doesn’t stop. Getting that fixed before it destroys the fabric of the space time continuum. Keep reading and shoot for the stars!
Feb
26
K.H. writes -
“How did Friday the 13th get its scary reputation?”
Paraskavedekatriaphobic’s beware! This time, the Trenternet is’ain’t messing around.
This was a bit hard for me to do since I personally suffer from Eternamechagooglaphobia (Fear of Using Omniscient Machines for Internet Searches) but I persevered and managed to ask the Trenternet your question.
The date- Smarch (Smarch used to be the 13th month of the year but people found it excessive) Friday 13th, 1313 AD.
A group of 13 asteroids now nicknamed “The Mean 13″ fell from the sky, hitting earth, killing all of humanity.
Ever since then, people have been fearful not only of that day, but of the number itself.
The Trenternet presents the facts. But I can interpret them.
I think its silly to be afraid of a particular day. It just so happens that on my last Friday the 13th, I had a particularly LUCKY day. I found a perfectly intact, hours old corpse on my front lawn. I was able to sell it to a local Med School.
On the way to the bank to cash my check ($1,500!!!), I was involved in a hit and run, and they never even caught me!
And later that night, all of my roommates were terribly sick from some food poisoning and were all on bed/toilet rest. I was able to throw a great party in the living room using all of the money I got from the body.
A lot of my friends have told me that it was the best party they had ever been to. Some of them even went on to say that the calamitous fire that was started at my house by some old fireworks and a passing fuel truck only added to the magic of the night!
I think its safe to say that people who fear Friday the 13th are just superstitious nuts.
Feb
26
It seems that the young and less young both enjoy the Trenternet.
My Grandpa Bob, a supporter of history himself wrote this in response to an older post on our current economic crisis-
“While the Louisiana Purchase has been blamed for a lot of our current problems people ignore the Gadsden Purchase. Mexico took advantage of us. You been to both New Mexico and Arizona, what is desert without oil worth anyway?”
Though the Trenternet is incapable of error due to a complex algorithm known as the Faultless Formula found within its mainframe, I still enjoy following rabbit trails and seeing where they go. History = Mysteries = Enlightenment.
I responded to him as follows.
It’s funny you mention the Gasden Purchase (or for Native Mexicano’s like myself, Venta de La Mesilla). I was just talking this over with one my colleagues who is working on a book, “The Gasden Has-Been Purchase: And Other Embarrassing American Landgrabs”, and he gave a lot of insight into the matter. Apparently, a Mexican Entrepreneur by the name of Jesus Emelio Estevez Jesus Paul Matthew Mark Luke Juan Ramirez IV told then President Franklin Pierce (R.I.P) that the land was rich in Rock Candy mines.
Rock Candy being Pierce’s favorite sweet tooth vice, he saw this as an opportunity to insure that he had a life’s supply. Using the White House’s hidden reserve of Pirate Treasure from the Great Pirate War of 1812.5, he bought up all of the land from Ramirez. It turns out that Ramirez wasn’t actually authorized to sell the land. There was tremendous uproar all across the barrios of Me-hee-ko demanding that he be hanged.
So it was on June 13th 1854, Ramirez was publicly hanged in Mexico City. Mexico has since declared that day a national holiday. It is tradition that children run around wearing donkey costumes, throwing rocks through windows and at policemen.
You are probably wondering where James Gasden comes into play. The whole thing IS named after him isn’t it? Well originally the purchase was known as the Pierce Purchase but when Pierce’s Cabinet saw it abbreviated as “P.P.” on the rough draft plan, everyone giggled and he was embarrassed. So he changed it and named it after his Golf buddy James G.
The things they don’t teach you in school, I tell ya Grandpa.
Trent
Feb
22
“What’s the deal with the iridescent stuff on the surface of roast beef?” – K.S.
Yeah, what IS the deal with the iridescent stuff on roast beef? You know what I’m talking about; that sick looking, oily rainbow swirl, puke sauce?
Nobody wants to see that sludge on their soon to be eaten roast beef. But even before I ask the Trenternet, I have a hunch that there is going to be a perfectly reasonable explanation for this mystery ooze.
*BEEP BOOP BOOP BEEP* TRENTERNET SCANNING DATABANKBASE ZZZZZtzzzzztzzzZZZZZ
Wow! This is fascinating stuff! According to the Trenternet, it was in 1957 when Aloysius Punkard, an American Chemist, discovered the chemical compound known as Uranusium. 
At first, it was unclear what practical purposes Uranusium might serve towards mankind. It wasn’t until the Space Race of 1957-75 between the US and Soviet Russia that Uranusium found its place. NASA Scientists discovered that this compound had strong UV Ray blocking properties, far stronger than anything found in the sunblocks we use today. By creating a synthetic copy of the compound, NASA was able to create a Space Cream for astronauts to use during high exposure space walks or whenever the space shuttle pilot would hang his arm out the window like motorists do here on earth. This cream protected them from the suns powerful rays and single-handedly helped American astronauts achieve “Out-Of-This-World” tans and win the Race for Space.
Now, what exactly does this have to do with the iridescent stuff on roast beef? Well it turns out that the NASA research lab in Ft. Buggaboo, Florida was situated very close to the now defunct Bovinetix Inc. HQ. Bovinetix Inc. was the premiere Cattle Research Facility on the planet in the early 60’s, leading the way in Advanced Cow Science. Because of a poorly designed drainage facility up at the NASA labs, Bovinetix received a heaping dose of excess synthetic Uranusium in their water supply for over a year. Bovinetix was at that time trying to develop super cows, supposedly for some Military Contract.
What they got was tainted drinking water for the cows, and several genetic mutations later, there was a new breed of cow known now as Anus Bovinus Primadiarreah. Unbeknownst to the Scientists at Bovinetix, these cows were released into the general population, crossbreeding with the common Hereford classification. Inside these guys you will find that iridescent stuff, something that was nonexistant 40some years ago. It is actually quite harmless, and just like the original properties of Uranusium, it still acts as an excellent sunblock. So grab a slab and give your nose a dab.
Feb
17
“Where do the dogs go? And how do they get there? Can I go with?” G. J.
My readers might be curious to know exactly what is being referred to in this question. Some clarification is required before I submit these pondering’s to the Trenternet.
When one man approaches another man on the street and these men happen to be friends or acquaintances, it is often customary in American culture to exchange some sort of physical gesture with one another to express the level of “tightness” shared between the two individuals. This may manifest itself in the form of a masculine “man-hug” or perhaps the more traditional “three-pump-handshake”. But given the rise of fear in handshake and hug-related illnesses, our country has seen a dramatic increase in safer forms of physical communication – The Fist Pound ( a.k.a. the First Bump or “Dap” depending on your neighborhoods demographic make-up).
To answer Greta’s question, the “dogs” (which is really just a metaphor for brotherly friendship, that innate human condition that binds us all together), go to the proverbial “pound”. Though we may picture a Dog Pound as a place of lost hope and shattered dreams for all pooches who enter, in this case it’s a word of promise. The Dogs that go to this Pound can expect good friends, good food, and nothing that resembles a room designed for euthanasia.
How do these dogs get there? Well, by the bringing together of two “friend fists”. These “dogs” aren’t dogs at all, rather they are the appendages that adorn our arms – the hands. Bring two “dogs” together and you will find a Pound full of fun and frivolity, but more importantly, a deep mutual understanding that “It’s good to see ya brah”.
Can you go with? Most certainly. Let those fists fly…in love.
